Saturday, January 22, 2011

Voodoo Doughnut

Everyone from Portland and beyond always talks about Voodoo Doughnuts like it’s the next best thing since sliced bread. Local Honda ads mention the Bacon Maple, Mayor Tom Potter decreed the Portland Crème as the official Doughnut of the city in 2008, and I’ve heard from just about everyone that they make the best doughnuts around. Because I’m from the area, and easily persuaded by the idea of tasty doughnuts, I decided that I should probably give them a try.

I could smell Voodoo Doughnuts before the porn-shop pink building even came into view. I pulled in next to a porn-shop pink Voodoo Doughnut truck and an ivy monster on the fence guarding the premises. Once inside, I waited in line for about 20 minutes with some very eclectic Portlanders for my opportunity to order what I was told were the best doughnuts ever.

While waiting in line, I had quite a bit of time to look around. Kids littered the place. They had their noses all pressed up against the doughnut display, drooling over the glazed, chocolate, sprinkled confections. There was a big menu above the counter with a written account of the selection of doughnuts they carried and wedding services they offered (Yes. Wedding Services.)…

The doughnuts were called things like ‘Triple Chocolate Penetration’, ‘Gay Bar’, ‘Maple Blazer Blunt’, ‘Cock-N-Balls’, (which was a penis and balls shaped raised yeast doughnut, triple filled with Bavarian cream and topped with chocolate frosting and a saying written in icing that varies from ‘dickalicious’ to ‘bite me’) and ‘Butterfingering.’

It was after reading the doughnut names that I just felt plain dirty for coming… or in Voodoo terms, ‘cumming.’ I thought it was SO weird that the place was littered with kids and dirty doughnut names full of sexual innuendoes. I especially thought it was weird that the Mayor of Portland decreed the Portland Crème as the official Portland Doughnut to promote a shop where the sort of stuff they were advertising with was stuff that entertained me when I first learned how babies were made.

Thank god my Bacon Maple Bar was delicious. I have nothing against a good doughnut. But my experience at Voodoo Doughnuts was just creepy (...maybe that's the point?). 

Voodoo Doughnut
22 SW 3rd Avenue
Portland Oregon, U.S.A.

Voodoo Doughnut Too!
1501 N.E. Davis St.
Portland Oregon, U.S.A.  

24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Note: Cash Only

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